Ok, God, I get it. You want all of me. The totality that is me. All of my heart and soul, my mind and every cell that breathes you in. It’s all Yours because you wonderfully made me and I’m only above this ground living to serve you because of Your Grace granted to me on the daily.
Today is my third day off opioids. It is done. I had a choice to continue on them when my current opioid was discontinued from the pharmacy. I would have had to switch to a more potent form of them and go to classes to learn about the rules again pertaining to these types of medications. I had participated in the pain clinic before and it really wasn’t something that I wanted to repeat. So, I told my doc, let’s wean me off them and try alternative approaches.
I’m currently off the opioids. I’m on a small course of Prednisone to sort of adjust the pain in my body to get used to not having them and to settle the flare that came as a result of tapering. Then, I have a week of just anti inflammation and my nerve stabilizing medication. I hope I do okay that week. After that, I’m getting another cortisone injection in my back. Those work well for 6-10 months on me. I have degenerative disc disease that causes chronic severe back pain and immobility. However I’ve been doing good on my opioid meds mixed with the nerve and inflammation meds. So, this new regime is a test to see how it works. I’m hoping it will put me in a better state of health and that the pain will be controlled.
I’ve had few withdrawal symptoms from the opioids. I am taking some withdrawal meds tho. My main symptoms have been diarrhea, feet tingling and insomnia at times.
I’m back to smoking but hope to resume non smoking status once I can refill my non smoking aid medications.
My life these days: Detox, Detox, Detox!!!
Every pill or cigarette you don’t take or smoke is a milestone in the right direction, remember that.
Take strides toward your health, baby steps, or crawl. Just move toward your goal and make progress. Eventually you’ll look up and see yourself sprinting!
One with you in recovery…
Keep coming back.
Keep it simple.
One day at a time.
The Ancient of Days
1794; Relief etching with watercolor, 23.3 x 16.8 cm; British Museum, London
The Path of Totality:
In therapy today, we addressed the question: what does smoking give me? How does it help me? What does it make me feel?
As I sat doing the hand-to-mouth motion with a pretend cigarette, I realized that I felt power in my belly, stillness in my mind and peace/love in my heart. That’s a lot of meditative, happy feelings! I have come to make smoking a good thing, a relaxing thing, a habit that soothes me.
So, now that I’ve quit for 60 days, I find myself lighting up again. And tonight I’m adding half a Coors Light, too. But, why?
Today, in session, we also discussed how I started smoking on the day of my Grandfather’s suicide. And how yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of my best friend’s sudden passing. I’m in it- the grief, the shadow, the darkness.
But despite all that, from a place of power I said, ‘I don’t want to grieve anymore.” I’m really so effing done being sad.
I also got to place where I said, ‘This is my time. I do what I choose.”
And honestly, smoking has been a rebellious act for me. It’s time to not smoke, as a conscious choice of empowerment in the present moment. Over and over, to consciously choose the right choice from the beginning. Instead of saying,”I want to smoke,” then making the course correction of not smoking. I want to make the initial choice of: “I fucking don’t want another God damn cigarette for the rest of my entire life!”
And then, to say over and over: “I do not smoke. I don’t want a cigarette ever again.”
In this sense, I’m saying goodbye to my past and hello to the present moment and to my future. I’m coming to terms with my own mortality and the fragility of life itself. I’m standing in my power and I’m finding that place of stillness, peace and love on the other side of the ashes. It exists in the freedom from the bondage of this addiction.
I find power in my belly, stillness in my mind and peace/love in my heart by breathing a deep, fresh clean, cleansing breath. I also find it through sitting still in my meditation pillow for 5 minutes and witnessing my thoughts with non-judgment. There are countless healthy ways to get to that place. I just need to explore the world around me through the eyes of love to return to that place of stillness, love and power.
I don’t know when it will all fall into place, or how. The why is in God’s hands and only through Grace will all of this work. I’m counting on God to see me through, as He always has.
I’m learning to keep trying. Keep talking. Ask questions. Do my best. I look to the soaring winged wise ones. The moon is my greatest ally. The Ascension is helping. All in all, it’s going be okay.
The light wins, because love conquers all. Love’s power can heal and transform us into the enlightened beings we are. We just have to hold our Creator’s hand and listen to our still, small voice guiding us everyday.
By Gabrielle Bernstein
6 Processes to Begin Your Dialogue with the Universe
1. Ask for Guidance
“Thank you, Universe, for guiding me to perceive this fear through the teacher of Love.”
2. Practice the Holy Instant.
Surrender fear to the care of the Universe and accept the perspective of Love. There’s a loving spiritual presence that can restore us to sanity. Witnessing the Holy Instant is a miracle.
3. Fast Comeback.
How quickly can you come back to Love? The miracle is in how quickly we return to Love. Do not believe in fear.
4. Put on what you want to receive: LOVE.
5. Create a Purpose Statement.
I AM ready to learn through Love!
6. You are the Dreamer of your Dream.
Create visions you want to see manifest in this world. What do you want to see!?