What Smoking Does for Me

In therapy today, we addressed the question: what does smoking give me? How does it help me? What does it make me feel?

As I sat doing the hand-to-mouth motion with a pretend cigarette, I realized that I felt power in my belly, stillness in my mind and peace/love in my heart. That’s a lot of meditative, happy feelings! I have come to make smoking a good thing, a relaxing thing, a habit that soothes me.

So, now that I’ve quit for 60 days, I find myself lighting up again. And tonight I’m adding half a Coors Light, too. But, why?

Today, in session, we also discussed how I started smoking on the day of my Grandfather’s suicide. And how yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of my best friend’s sudden passing. I’m in it- the grief, the shadow, the darkness.

But despite all that, from a place of power I said, ‘I don’t want to grieve anymore.” I’m really so effing done being sad.

I also got to place where I said, ‘This is my time. I do what I choose.”

And honestly, smoking has been a rebellious act for me. It’s time to not smoke, as a conscious choice of empowerment in the present moment. Over and over, to consciously choose the right choice from the beginning. Instead of saying,”I want to smoke,” then making the course correction of not smoking. I want to make the initial choice of: “I fucking don’t want another God damn cigarette for the rest of my entire life!”

And then, to say over and over: “I do not smoke. I don’t want a cigarette ever again.”

In this sense, I’m saying goodbye to my past and hello to the present moment and to my future. I’m coming to terms with my own mortality and the fragility of life itself. I’m standing in my power and I’m finding that place of stillness, peace and love on the other side of the ashes. It exists in the freedom from the bondage of this addiction.

I find power in my belly, stillness in my mind and peace/love in my heart by breathing a deep, fresh clean, cleansing breath. I also find it through sitting still in my meditation pillow for 5 minutes and witnessing my thoughts with non-judgment. There are countless healthy ways to get to that place. I just need to explore the world around me through the eyes of love to return to that place of stillness, love and power.

I don’t know when it will all fall into place, or how. The why is in God’s hands and only through Grace will all of this work. I’m counting on God to see me through, as He always has.

I’m learning to keep trying. Keep talking. Ask questions. Do my best. I look to the soaring winged wise ones. The moon is my greatest ally. The Ascension is helping. All in all, it’s going be okay.

The light wins, because love conquers all. Love’s power can heal and transform us into the enlightened beings we are. We just have to hold our Creator’s hand and listen to our still, small voice guiding us everyday.

The Universe Has Your Back

By Gabrielle Bernstein

6 Processes to Begin Your Dialogue with the Universe

1. Ask for Guidance

“Thank you, Universe, for guiding me to perceive this fear through the teacher of Love.”

2. Practice the Holy Instant.

Surrender fear to the care of the Universe and accept the perspective of Love. There’s a loving spiritual presence that can restore us to sanity. Witnessing the Holy Instant is a miracle.

3. Fast Comeback.

How quickly can you come back to Love? The miracle is in how quickly we return to Love. Do not believe in fear.

4. Put on what you want to receive: LOVE.

5. Create a Purpose Statement.

I AM ready to learn through Love!

6. You are the Dreamer of your Dream.

Create visions you want to see manifest in this world. What do you want to see!?

If I… In this life and In this space.

If I die today, know I loved you

Know I loved you yesterday

And all the yesterday’s prior
And that I will love you more
With every tick of the clock
Moving us into tomorrow.
If I stare too long at you
Treasuring you in this moment
It’s because I have such love
For you in my open heart
And am anxiously awaiting
A soul connection with you
In the life and in this space

Ripped Paper Questions

Who are you?

Why didn’t you visit me or answer my calls?

Were you ever concerned about me at all?

Would you ever accept my apology?

Did those messages come thru and did you record them?

Do you blame me for everything the way that I do you?

How can we fix this mess?

Why do you think you have had such a profound affect on me and my life?

Are you willing to answer these questions?

If not, why?

Do you think I still care about any of this?

You’ve moved on, why can’t I?

Do you cry like I do at night when I think about what might have been?

Do you know that in this life I have been two people?

I give and do you even know that I do?

Do you even see me? Feel me? Know me?